New Baby

I know I haven't been here for a long long time. Almost a whole year. My last post - for the indiblogger contest  was more of a challenge I took up; just to get creative and write something.  I don't know if the judges will see my compilation as stylish enough, but I had a whole lot of fun bringing it together.

I had a good reason for not being here this whole time- I was too busy having a brand new baby! Yes, we had a girl! Our princess showed up a  week before her due date on August 23rd and via c-sec. So yes, I was totally drugged  and if I ever boasted of enduring labour pains, that would be a lie. But trust me, post surgery pain coupled with constipation (I can't believe I said it!) is terrible enough. 

Unlike the first pregnancy when you can put your feet up, pamper yourself and and take it easy, the second one just zooms by. But because you have done it before, you are not going to be googling every little thing or constantly bookmarking your copy of the 'what to expect when you are expecting'.

This time, I felt I had a whirlwind of new emotions to deal with. The first being 'possessiveness'. How could I possibly love another child? My first born is my first born and how can I share that selfish love I have for him with anyone else? I could not feel love for the new baby in me. And this frightened me. My mothers reaction to this anxiety attack was casual, "Oh you will get over it. Have another 2 and then you will be fine". She should know, I am her third child. And I never felt unloved. And its true, it happens, the love begins to grow from the moment the little one moves inside of you.

The next thing that had me worried me was how my son would deal with having to share his center position in our universe with someone else. Someone he has never met. Will he be sad? Will the smile that usually lights up his face be of a lesser intensity? Will he feel betrayed? Will he think its unfair? It drove me crazy. And it was tough. He did feel betrayed and insecure. Tantrums were on the rise. I think it took a good 2 months and a whole lot of support from family to deal with this. Now he is crazy about her and you have to see the way he makes her smile and giggle.

Fortunately he never harmed the baby and I thank God for that. I have heard of numerous scary stories where the elder child attacks the new baby out of insecurity. He would want us to keep her down and pay attention to him, rock him and even burp him, but he would never attack the baby. Phew!

I dreaded the 4 nights at the hospital. Not one day, since the moment he was born has he not slept without me, or I without him. Will he miss me? Will he be OK? The evening after the surgery, they let him in to see me for a minute and I saw a sadness in his eyes I had never seen before. Then the next day and the next and for a few days after that, I noticed he was not looking into my eyes. It was like he felt betrayed and he would not give me his heart again. Its like he became a big boy over those 4 days. (Sounds sloppy but I have tears in my eyes as I revisit this moment.). I yearned for him to come and hug me like he used to do, but he would not. One night, he looked at me and said, "I like amma" and then he left with tears in his eyes, to sleep with his dad in the other room. This was by far the toughest part for me. For me and him. To break our bond and then re-tie it with one more person- his sister. He probably does not remember it. But I can never forget it.  

But all is well that ends well. A gem of a husband and a very supportive family made the experience  smooth  and memorable. 

So if you're expecting a second baby and you have similar fears.. hang in there.. this is life. It hurts for a while. But there is enough and more love to heal it soon after.

PS: That's a picture of her cake at the christening ceremony. Gorgeous right?