Saturday, December 10, 2011

How to be a terrible neighbour....



  • Pump up the volume- No better time to put that expensive home theatre system to use. Choose head- banging heavy metal music and turn the volume knob to ‘MAX’.  Wear ear plugs for your own safety and ignore the ringing doorbell and telephone. It’s only going to be those pesky complaining neighbours. 

  • Beg, borrow, steal. Not just eggs and sugar. But newspapers, clothes, toys, potted plants, jewelry, expensive gadgets and curios. Don’t ask; just announce that you’re taking it. Never return anything. If you plan on returning it, make sure its damaged.

  • Who let the dogs out? Buy (or borrow) that big dog, especially if it’s against the apartment building’s rules. Take him through the elevator and make sure you forget to give him a bath for a long, long time. Delay meals so he stays whiny and potty walks, just so that accidents happen in the corridors. Oops!  

  • I.G.N.O.R.E. Nose up-turned, ignore everyone who smiles or greets you and talk loudly into your cell phone.

  • What’s that smell? Retain your kitchen waste for a few extra days until its fermented enough. Ensure that you position your waste-bin precisely in front of the next door neigbour’s apartment. If that is not enough you could drop some trash from the balcony.

  • Double Park: Always leave your car in your neghbour's parking spot before going out of town. It would be better if could park in the middle of two spots. 

  • Make some pocket money: Become an insurance agent and start hounding your ‘friends’ to sign up for policies. Nag. Nag. Nag. Haven't you heard of 'Ask and Ye shall receive'?

  • Ding Dong! Make unannounced house visits. At meal time, at nap time or at 10PM and then stay on till midnight or later. Ask for refreshments and clumsily spill some. Break something- maybe a glass or maybe that antique urn containing the ashes of a loved one.

  • Spread the word: While making above mentioned house call, walk into every room and ask a lot of personal questions. Clarify all doubts and collect information. Juicier; the better (everyone has a story) and then post it on your Facebook wall. Don’t forget to tag them while you are at it.

Do you have any more ideas on how to be an even more terrible neighbour?
This post was inspired from the How to column in The Hindu Metroplus. I wish I knew how to send it to them so they could publish it..*sigh*

8 comments:

  1. this one is super cool :D.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Debajyoti! :D Anymore annoying tips?

    ReplyDelete
  3. My neighbors complaint is that she barely gets to see me. SO - make yourself unavailable to neighbors in need :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good one LU, yes, always be too busy to help!

    ReplyDelete
  5. great tips :DD

    came here through Deb's recommendation. loved the post

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Sujatha, thanks for dropping by, will definitely stop by yours.. I owe Deb.. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. hilarious...I can just imagine how popular you are among your neighbors;)
    The way I annoy mine is by knocking on their door at the most inopportune times for my spare key because I am always locking myself out of my house!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. LOL Neelam, Actually I am new here at the building and they have figured out my evil plans as yet!!

    ReplyDelete